Monday, November 27, 2006

Reunited and it feels so good

November 24, 2006

Berkeley, California

Happy Thanksgiving!

This year I had so many things to be thankful for I could hardly count them all: the Democrats stormed both Houses, Iraq war going from bad to worse, Republican Senators and Evangelists exposed as pedophiles, homos, and druggies, and many others. I was so looking forward to celebrating the holiday with my family, but unfortunately they were all busy and couldn't make it. Also, my new assistant Sunshine quit Monday and stole $300 and my new clock radio. I was depressed and resigned to spending Thanksgiving alone.

I woke up Thursday morning to somebody repeatedly playing "Shave and a Haircut" on my doorbell and by the time I got to the door I was ready to drop kick whoever it was into the next century. I flung open the door and there in front of me wasn't the pair of Jehovah's Witnesses I was expecting, but Scooter! My initial reaction was to turn and run, but I noticed he didn't stink and wasn't wearing a beard, so I just stood there and asked, "Are you Scooter or Kareem?" He replied, " Mohammad sucks, call me Scooter," and then I broke down in tears and hugged him tightly. As we both sobbed in tender embrace I suddenly became aware of the fact he was kind of humping me, so I kneed him in the nuts and went to the kitchen to start preparing a celebratory feast.

Once Scooter was able to get off the floor, he joined me in the kitchen. As I prepared the turkey, he told me all about his stay at Guantanamo and how the other inmates turned on him after someone noticed in the shower that he had been circumcised. Oh oh! From that point on they accused him of being an Israeli spy and tried numerous times to kill him. In a stroke of genius, he pasted pages of the Quran all over his body, so they couldn't harm him lest they damage them. Brilliant! He was released after renouncing his faith and ratting out some of his former friends. He said he was sorry he tried to kill me, and I knew he meant it.

We drank lots of tequila and cooked up a storm. Finally, late that afternoon everything was done and we sat down to eat. When Scooter asked to say a prayer of thanksgiving, I marveled at the life-changing transformation he had obviously undergone. Unfortunately what followed was a rambling, drunken intonement giving thanks for his release from prison, turkeys, tequila, me, puppies, his mother, gentle rains, and some other stuff I don't remember. After downing another shot of tequila he continued, beseeching God to send hellfire and damnation on all the jihadists in prison that tried to harm him, and also on that girl he met at the convenience store who turned him down for a date yesterday. He was in the process of asking God for the bloody dismemberment of his old gym teacher when I cut him short, as the food was getting cold and I was losing my appetite. Everything was delicious except for the green bean casserole Scooter made, as it had a distinct smell of ammonia and contained his wristwatch.

I couldn't be happier Scooter is back and no longer a Muslim. Even with the Dems yanking us out of Iraq there's still plenty to protest, and with Scooter's artistic ability and my brains, we can, and will, change the world.

Monday, November 20, 2006

November 17, 2006

Washington DC

After six years of Republican lethargy, we Dems are moving forward with bold plans to fix this country. The American public asked for change and we're going to bend them over and give it to them, fast and hard!

By far the most urgent need is to achieve victory in Iraq. As we discussed earlier, the only way to achieve this victory is to leave as soon as possible. Some prominent Democratic leaders have called for pullouts within four to six months. Are you kidding me? What are they waiting for? For Halliburton to make MORE money? For MORE innocent Iraqis to be photographed playing "Twister" naked in prisons? I say everyone out by Saturday, last one leaving kill the lights.

One thing Bush hasn't understood is the fact that just the act of having soldiers over there in these Arab countries has turned zillions of formerly peaceful Arabs into terrorists. I know for a fact that if I saw Arab soldiers down the street from my house, I'd strap on bombs and go blow them up, or at least try to cut their heads off or something. I've done some figuring and with the Dems' proposed "Forces Leaving Early Expeditiously" plan (FLEE), I calculate over 378.3 terrorists will not be created every week we are gone. These men and women will instead most likely become professors, doctors, and nurses. Also, without Halliburton around, the Iraqis can create their own companies to do whatever Halliburton was doing, and the billions these companies earn can build malls and water parks and stuff. Result: happy Iraqis working at high-paying jobs, shopping and having fun, not blowing things up.

As expected, the Republicans are crying a river over our plans to exit Iraq gracefully with dignity, but no big surprise there - you'd cry too if someone took away your oil wells. The biggest whiner is the Iraqi government itself, "Oh boohoo, our government will collapse, hundreds of thousands of people will die in sectarian violence, Muslim extremist groups will take over, blah blah blah." Oh please, over here we're battling for stem cell research and tax hikes, fending off Evangelical homo-drug addicts, etc., and you're complaining about a few heavily armed over-stimulated camel jockeys? Give me a break.

When it's all said and done, there's nothing wrong in Iraq that the ACLU couldn't fix, and the sooner we send some lawyers over there and start suing the crap out of the troublemakers, the quicker that rat's nest will become civilized.

Troops out, lawyers in, build water parks. All better.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Where's our Karl Rove?

November 3, 2006

Berkeley, California

OMG, here we liberals are, cruising to an easy victory in recapturing both Houses, when John Kerry attempts a joke about Bush's stupidity. Unfortunately his own complete and total lack of intelligence negated his ability to tell the joke properly, and next thing you know the whole country's pissed off. That's just great. What is it with this guy, can't anybody in our party make him shut up until after the elections?

Look, we know John is an all-American hero for the part he played in turning public opinion against the Vietnam War in the 70s. We appreciate the fact that he's constantly brought to light the evil deeds of our military, and campaigned for pulling out of this war after he mistakenly voted us into it. He is obviously a man of integrity and honor, but every time he opens his mouth in the last couple of years, the conservatives have had a field day and the Democrats lose votes. Please, somebody make him be quiet until we get some people into office.

Everything had been going so well: Many of our candidates have been talking about "faith" and "values," words that really juice the hicks in middle America and NASCAR country. Of course all our candidates have been hammering Chimpy McHitler on the Iraq war, and just like in the 70s are starting to build a general feeling of hopelessness and despair in the American public that we can't win. Another winning strategy has been to point out how bad our economy is. As strange as it sounds, this has actually been working pretty good! It's kind of like saying, "It stinks in here" - even if it doesn't, half the people think they smell something. Fortunately, many of our supporters aren't exceptionally bright, so when we tell them the economy stinks, they smell it:)

The Democratic National Committee correctly identified that the sound of Nancy Pelosi's voice made people want to slit their wrists, so they told her to be quiet for the last several weeks leading up to the election, and she has. The same with Ted Kennedy, Howard Dean, Charlie Rangel, Barbara Boxer, Harry Reid, Chuck Schumer, Al Gore, and for the most part, they've clammed up. I understand the DNC even insisted that Ted Kennedy not drive anyone any place until after the polls close. But what about John Kerry? Is it too much to ask that the official boat anchor of the DNC zip his pie-hole for ONE FREAKING WEEK? If something like this happened in the GOP, Karl Rove himself would neuter the offender with a pair of nail clippers.

Where's our Karl Rove?

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

"It" can add a porch to my house

October 27, 2006

Berkeley, California

Well, it's looking like Squid's not coming back from North Korea in the foreseeable future so this week I've been interviewing assistants. While there have been a few semi-decent prospects, for the most part I've been subject to an endless parade of clueless morons, punctuated by the occasional ignorant pinhead - I guess the excesses of the 60s and 70s weren't kind to many of my generation. I can't help but think that conservatives don't have this much difficulty finding reliable help, but I may be wrong.

I limited my search mainly to socially oppressed types - gays, lesbians, transgendered, minorities, etc. Thankfully Berkeley has lots of these people, but for some reason many of them were kind of difficult to deal with. For example, most of the gays, lesbians, and transgendered people I talked to expected me to also give their boyfriend/girlfriend/transgendered friend full benefits or would feel discriminated against. The several minorities that I've interviewed were fairly nice but seemed to resent the fact that they would be working for a white woman and alluded to the possibility they would sue the crap out of me if they perceived I was not respecting their cultural heritage. Also they stole some ashtrays and stuff, which didn't sit well with me at all.

In the end, I was most impressed with my old friend Sunshine, an extremely sturdy, transgendered child of the 60s like myself (except for the transgendered part). Sunshine's affiliations include: National Federation of Democratic Women, PETA, Code Pink, Green Party, ACLU, Rainbow/Push Coalition, NAACP, Amnesty International, Communist Party of the United States, National Education Association (NEA), Greenpeace, Sierra Club, Common Cause, National Abortion and Reproductive Rights Action League (NARAL), Planned Parenthood, and National Organization of Women. Plus she can tune a car and fix a toilet.

I've known Sunshine ever since she was Ernie Finkelstein. I met Ernie at UC Berkeley in the early 70s and was immediately impressed by his social sensitivities and superior decorating skills. We spent many a night doing bong hits, discussing liberal philosophies and makeup tips while he braided my hair. When he bravely took the step to finally become Sunshine, I was there to lend comfort, support, and my underwear. I treasured the symbolic gift of his castoff "winky" he gave me after his final operation. I kept it in a box for many years until Scooter found it and ate it one night thinking it was a date.

I think Sunshine will make a perfect assistant and bring something new to my efforts to promote foreword-thinking ideals while defeating the paralyzing conservatism that's crippled our country. The fact that she can add a porch to my house is just icing on the cake. You go gir...transgendered person!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Champagne and chicken dreams

February 24, 2006

Caracas, Venezuela

I haven't had much luck in the romance department lately, so I was thrilled to receive an invitation to visit probably the sexiest and smartest politician in the world, Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez! Evidently, when things didn't work out with Peace Mother Sheehan, she told him about me and the rest is history. Imagine my surprise when I learned President Chavez's best friend and the all-time greatest freedom fighter ever, Fidel Castro, would also be visiting! I was so excited, I just about peed myself! I was off the next day.

After arriving in Caracas, I was chauffeured to Miraflores, the presidential palace. Wow, that place is really nice! Except for the old appliances, rusted cars on blocks, and chickens out front, it looked just like I imagined a palace should look. I was shown to the "Belafonte Suite," and informed that dinner with the president and his royal guest would be at seven p.m.

I entered the grandiose dining room and there before me were the two most enlightened leaders of our time, politely standing as I was seated across from them. Both men were extremely handsome in their military outfits, each festooned with colorful ribbons and lots of gleaming medals. I happened to notice the word "Typing" on one of President Chavez's medals, and "Backstroke" on another. Wow. Both men insisted I call them by their first names and dinner went from formal to friendly very quickly.

Although I don't speak Spanish, Fidel's interpreter did a great job communicating our thoughts and the three of us had a lively discussion. After several glasses of champagne, we were having the best time! Hugo was hilarious as he put a slice of black olive on his front teeth and did a killer impersonation of Condi Rice. Later, he and Fidel recounted the wonderful moments they had enjoyed with many of Hollywood's most famous people. I was starstruck! I also couldn't help but notice the way Hugo was devouring me with his smoldering dark eyes.

Finally, with dinner over, I got up to leave and noticed a folded piece of paper on the floor under the table. Once back in my room, I opened it and read, "My darling, how I long for your touch. I'll see you in my room later." It was signed "Huggy." My head was spinning as I had a vision of myself waving to admiring crowds from the palace balcony just like Madonna in "Evita." "Presidential wife Peace Chavez" - I liked the sound of that!

Around eleven, I left in search for Huggy's room with my heart beating like a jackhammer. As I approached a door at the end of the hallway I heard soft music and knew I was at the right place. I quietly slipped inside the bedroom. Once my eyes adjusted to the dim light, I saw something that burned itself into my memory like a laser beam from hell. There was Hugo dressed in a thong and high heels, being ridden around the room by Fidel, who was clad only in his underwear, combat boots, and a little pink cowboy hat! I think that may have been a cigar in his hand but I'm not absolutely sure, and sure as heck wasn't going to hang around to find out. I ran back to my room and took three hot showers before I felt clean.

Look, I'm as liberal as anyone and really enjoyed "Brokeback Mountain,” but there was something about that scene that was just so very, very wrong. How could I be so naive to believe Hugo would be attracted to me, when he could embrace (and caress, etc.) larger leftist things with that Commie stud, El Presidente?

I hate men. I'm going home.

Click here to read the entire thread.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Republicans are bogarting the Democrat's turf.

October 5, 2006

Washington D.C.

Oh man, the Republicans have caught fire and are spiraling to earth in a cloud of smoke and desperation. Good. Congressman Mark Foley, honorable pervert representing the great state of horniness, was caught sending nasty instant messages to a minor male page. It seems that this member of the Moral Majority was actually a flaming Homo, hell-bent on perverted hot monkey sex with as many males as possible, especially young ones. Disgusting. It's hard to believe this party keeps trying to quash gay marriage when they're all gay themselves. What sense does this make?

I'm starting to think all Republicans are masochists. Every time one of these bozos gets drunk or exposed as gay, they're shamed into the next century, but when a liberal does the same thing, it's good for certain re-election and major street cred with their voting bloc. Why would any politician want to be labeled as a conservative? Do you really want to go through your life without having illicit sex with young girls and boys, not getting drunk and/or stoned, lying about your war record, or drowning people in your car? Of course not. At least pick a party that will reward you for your behavior.

Anyway, this cataclysmic news event apparently triggered an outpouring of repressed memories from my new assistant, Squid. Amid uncontrollable sobbing about feeling "used and dirty," he produced some transcripts he had just typed of an instant message chat he had several years ago. When I saw the initials of that who he was communicating with, I almost blew chunks! An excerpt:

GWB: wuz happenen :}>

Squidboy: Nuttin.

GWB: how old are you?

Squidboy: 16.

GWB: can I molest you

Squidboy: I'm not that kind of boy, loser.

GWB: I want you so bad

Squidboy: Bite me, perv.

GWB: thats my strategery

My goodness! I couldn't help but feel Squid's pain as I read the damning evidence of Homo passions possibly running amok at the highest levels of this administration. No wonder Squid has always seemed a little traumatized, he'd apparently been almost sexually abused by the leader of the most powerful country in the world, or at least someone with the same initials. Of course, Squid couldn't remember if those were the exact initials, but he is sure there was a "W" in there somewhere, and this was all the proof I needed that the neocons have pretty much all gone "light in the loafers." Shocking!

Alas, as publicly happy as we libs are about the Republicans offending their constituents, behind the scenes we're disgusted by their creep into the Homo/pedophile/deviant fabric of society. We've worked too hard to establish ourselves in these areas and won't concede them (and the accompanying votes) to the GOP. If they want to do these things, let them become Democrats.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Feel the love of the Peace Moonbeam

Tomorrow the first piece to be posted from the nefarious Peace Moonbeam will grace the pages of Less Idiots. Peace Moonbeam will further add to our illustrious image and hopefully, thoroughly confuse the hell of just about everyone. I have had in my sights for some time, another writer who owes me gonzo huge favors, and this clown is known by the moniker of Rex Kramer. Rex Kramer does for the right, what Peace Moonbeam manages to do for the left:

Leave most readers in a state of confusion.

If I am lucky enough to obtain the services of Rex Kramer, you are not ever going to hear me state what side I think Kramer is fronting for, and I’m not about to tell you the same of Peace Moonbeam. It is far more fun for me to sit back and watch both the right and the left read the exact same post from this character, and leave comments that at best blast the writer, and at worst, tend to support their opponents.

This is perhaps the prime reason why I went after Peace Moonbeam so aggressively. Peace Moonbeam will manage to make both sides think about themselves honestly, that is if they have the ability to lift their cerebral cortex out of the primordial goop that they currently reside in. In addition to being frequently hysterical, Peace Moonbeam cuts sharper than a surgical scalpel.

Taking the time to think, rather than just reacting, is for all intensive purposes, mandated by the works of Peace Moonbeam. I might advise you to be very cautious when deciding that Peace Moonbeam really hits you where you live. It does not matter what your political affiliations are; Peace Moonbeam has a tendency to kick both sides around, and whether it is deliberate or not, this is perhaps what I love best about Peace Moonbeam. If he manages to force just a few people to actually think, I might just love him even more.

Peace Moonbeam’s first column will appear on Wednesday.